Keeping A Small Circle
Chapter 1: Out of the Norm
I feel like I am different than everyone, sort of like i’m out of the norm. Everyday I go out and sell myself not just about my looks but about my personality. You portray yourself to others you encounter from family, to friends, teachers, and random people. It was during Spring Break when I truly realized this. My friends and I met up with one of my old classmates and her friends. We met up at a park and I introduced myself to them. “Hello! My name is Monty, what are your guys’ names?” We started conversing and it was kind of awkward because my friends weren’t saying anything. I told them to introduce themselves but I guess they were shy. I was just open to my friend’s friends, I was speaking to them like any other person just exchanging what we like and about ourselves. We all decided to go to Target and I wanted to ride with my other friend because they were a fun group to be with. I met this one girl, she was just an amazing person. I felt smooth vibes from this person. At Target we just went to each aisle trying to find something fun to do. I found a scooter and rode it around Target like it was a race.
We all then got some Chinese food, it was really good. I was so nervous to ask this person for her number. While we were leaving I finally got the guts to ask her. She gave me this weird look… In my head I was frightened. I was scared of what she was going to say, I started sweating. She smiled and said of course. I felt so much relief. It was great.
The next day came and I decided to text her. I said “Yoooo, lol its the guy from last night!” I didn’t get a response till like the afternoon saying she was busy with family stuff and she apologized. Me being myself, I told her everything was fine and not to worry about it. My old classmate messaged me, telling me how I caught her friend’s attention because of how I was sweet and I was myself. She appreciated how I rode with them and was open with her. She told me I should talk to her. Now we converse everyday, we Snapchat everyday and I know being myself could get me far in life and make new connections with others. I just felt like I wanted to grow with this person and everyday I wanted to learn something new about her each time we spoke.
I’m myself and no one can change that. I won’t change my personality for someone that doesn’t appreciate me for me. People who expect me to change for them are toxic and you don’t need them in your life. You should move on from those people and try to get them out of you life. Everybody today wants to follow trends and be with what is ‘in.’ I follow what I like for myself, listen to music I like, wear what I like, and I don’t do things I don’t want to. I don’t do things that others do, that’s why I feel like I am different. We are all human beings but I feel like my personality of being myself and open to everybody just makes me different. I never try to be someone I am not, it just doesn’t fit me and never works out.
Chapter 2: Heartbroken
In all honesty, this was not the first break-up, but this was the biggest, most heartbreaking separation I had to go through. I was in love with this girl and I never wanted this to happen… ever. I felt it would be better for both of us to grow in our separate ways. We were three years in our relationship, and with our ups and downs, it felt like she was fading away, and all our feeling were lost. That smile I loved wasn’t there anymore, the way we used to look at each other, when we laughed together, it was all gone and silent. No effort shown between the both of us. Constantly arguing every second of the day about the same thing. We got annoyed of each other, as if we were strangers. Everything felt different when we talked on the phone and I heard her voice. “Hey? How was your day if i’m allowed to ask…” All I got was an ‘alright,’ ‘nothing,’ or ‘it was good, I guess,’ as tears ran down my face as if it was the Niagara Falls. The worst part about it was that we didn’t even trust one another due to our past experiences. Trying to fix the situation or talking it out just ruined the whole situation and what was already going on between us two.
The day came, when it finally happened. The night before I went out late with my friends at a kickback, and just conversing with one another. I felt like everything was okay, and there were no problems. As the sun rose, I feel my phone buzzing. I answer the phone to her weeping and mourning. I did not know what was happening, so I was asking. She told me I should already know. I found out she was mad I hung out with my friends that night and was not on the phone with her. Being on the phone at that moment, half awake, I told her how I should balance my time between my friends and her. We tried to fix things. Out of nowhere, she interrogates me about why I was with other girls. I told her I wasn’t, but the past got to her and felt that I was cheating. We both felt it was best to move on in our lives because our relationship was becoming toxic. Distance and trust issues played a big role in our break up. I thought I was going to fight through it and move on right away. But that was a mistake… Realizing what I lost was painful. Everything that surrounded me reminded me of her. I walked around schooling trying my best to not to cause any attention towards myself. Hood on, music blasting through my head phones 24/7. Simping every night.
A week had gone by since the split. I felt it was best to delete everything, from messages, all the photos together and of her, and give all of her belongings back. As much as it hurts, it gave me relief to know I have more freedom and not that one person watching my every move every second. But a side of me misses that feeling of belonging and that feeling of being wanted by someone. It was hard for me to cope with. It just felt like I wasted 3 years of my life on something that didn’t last and became something that I never hoped would happen.
I have been alright for a month now. And then someone unexpectedly messaged me through snapchat. It was from her… I teared up a little. She told me she misses me and she was sorry. I couldn’t accept the apology because of the things I have seen on social media, how she moved on already. Knowing that, it made me feel like I was really nothing and she never cared. She changed, I changed. Nothing was how it used to be, all the innocence, laughter of inside jokes, and personality in general changed between each other. I didn’t feel it was right to accept the apology. I told her how I really felt and told her I would get back to her after school. I explained to her all the problems that were obvious and just laid it all out. In all honesty, all my feeling and love I used to have for her, was just gone. Nothing could be put back together, I was like a puzzle that was missing a piece. Impossible to be put back. As much as we tried, nothing worked. My mind was set on trying to move on and not get back together. I missed myself, I felt I was loving everyone and everything besides me. I would try to make everyone happy when myself wasn’t. I needed to regain that confidence.
Chapter 3: Home
After all that I have been through, it just feels like I am going through a book. As if I was passing chapter in my life. After that split I felt it was a chapter not to dwell and stay hooked on but to move on and to learn from mistakes and correct them for the future. My priorities were scrambled. I needed to find myself and ‘home.’ I feel like I lost everything because I was so stuck up on one person. I felt alone. I didn’t know who were my real friends, or my family. I had to catch up. I missed the one place I called home. It all feels different to me now, knowing a big part of my life passed through and is gone.
To me being home is where you love everyone and everything around you. You are comfortable to the point where making mistakes is okay. Being yourself is okay. I missed the feeling of my family’s love and care. Being focused on one person made family feel bigger than I already was. Being home is not just being in your room. It’s about the memories and great moments you have with your family. Spending time with my family was the biggest come back in my opinion. I would always stay home by myself because I didn’t want to hang out with the ones I truly love and know they will be there forever.
A great memory of being home was finding out my sister was pregnant. It was an amazing time doing everything with her and my siblings. This was the time when Pokemon Go was trending around the world. My sister wanted to stay active so we would travel around the Bay Area and just walk around the city. We would walk for miles and hours everyday. Moments like this make me feel at home.
I remember my sister would dance at night and we would always make fun of her for how big her stomach was. We would do everything for the baby to come faster. I told myself I loved home and I would never forget this time and place. Now that her baby is born and being there when she grows up is an amazing experience. From month one to now, ten months. All the time I see other babies grow up but I never realized how they just catch on and learn things.
I am thankful for my family for bringing me back to ‘home.’ Allowing me to forget about the past and move on. Easter Day came and it was one of our biggest family gatherings we had. All the little kids running up and down the halls, the teens just chilling, the adults being loud. I just loved the company and it was great moment to catch up with all my family. It was a great day because the Warriors were playing and we got the win. That day, each family had to chose a color to represent them. Of course my dad chose blue for our family. Since we were the hosts, we tried to keep the colors Spring shades. I now live for these moments. I don’t dwell on my past.
You can never forget or block out the place where you call home. Although it will always be there, don’t ever change your priorities and put anything before family and the ones you love. Being home may be having that home cooked meal, or sleeping in your bed all day, or watching t.v. and movies with your family. But for me being in company with family and friends who will have never ending love is what I call ‘home.’ But finding more and more everyday, makes me feel good about myself. I have a good feeling I know where my home is but finding out more is an addition to that assurance.
Chapter 1: Out of the Norm
I feel like I am different than everyone, sort of like i’m out of the norm. Everyday I go out and sell myself not just about my looks but about my personality. You portray yourself to others you encounter from family, to friends, teachers, and random people. It was during Spring Break when I truly realized this. My friends and I met up with one of my old classmates and her friends. We met up at a park and I introduced myself to them. “Hello! My name is Monty, what are your guys’ names?” We started conversing and it was kind of awkward because my friends weren’t saying anything. I told them to introduce themselves but I guess they were shy. I was just open to my friend’s friends, I was speaking to them like any other person just exchanging what we like and about ourselves. We all decided to go to Target and I wanted to ride with my other friend because they were a fun group to be with. I met this one girl, she was just an amazing person. I felt smooth vibes from this person. At Target we just went to each aisle trying to find something fun to do. I found a scooter and rode it around Target like it was a race.
We all then got some Chinese food, it was really good. I was so nervous to ask this person for her number. While we were leaving I finally got the guts to ask her. She gave me this weird look… In my head I was frightened. I was scared of what she was going to say, I started sweating. She smiled and said of course. I felt so much relief. It was great.
The next day came and I decided to text her. I said “Yoooo, lol its the guy from last night!” I didn’t get a response till like the afternoon saying she was busy with family stuff and she apologized. Me being myself, I told her everything was fine and not to worry about it. My old classmate messaged me, telling me how I caught her friend’s attention because of how I was sweet and I was myself. She appreciated how I rode with them and was open with her. She told me I should talk to her. Now we converse everyday, we Snapchat everyday and I know being myself could get me far in life and make new connections with others. I just felt like I wanted to grow with this person and everyday I wanted to learn something new about her each time we spoke.
I’m myself and no one can change that. I won’t change my personality for someone that doesn’t appreciate me for me. People who expect me to change for them are toxic and you don’t need them in your life. You should move on from those people and try to get them out of you life. Everybody today wants to follow trends and be with what is ‘in.’ I follow what I like for myself, listen to music I like, wear what I like, and I don’t do things I don’t want to. I don’t do things that others do, that’s why I feel like I am different. We are all human beings but I feel like my personality of being myself and open to everybody just makes me different. I never try to be someone I am not, it just doesn’t fit me and never works out.
Chapter 2: Heartbroken
In all honesty, this was not the first break-up, but this was the biggest, most heartbreaking separation I had to go through. I was in love with this girl and I never wanted this to happen… ever. I felt it would be better for both of us to grow in our separate ways. We were three years in our relationship, and with our ups and downs, it felt like she was fading away, and all our feeling were lost. That smile I loved wasn’t there anymore, the way we used to look at each other, when we laughed together, it was all gone and silent. No effort shown between the both of us. Constantly arguing every second of the day about the same thing. We got annoyed of each other, as if we were strangers. Everything felt different when we talked on the phone and I heard her voice. “Hey? How was your day if i’m allowed to ask…” All I got was an ‘alright,’ ‘nothing,’ or ‘it was good, I guess,’ as tears ran down my face as if it was the Niagara Falls. The worst part about it was that we didn’t even trust one another due to our past experiences. Trying to fix the situation or talking it out just ruined the whole situation and what was already going on between us two.
The day came, when it finally happened. The night before I went out late with my friends at a kickback, and just conversing with one another. I felt like everything was okay, and there were no problems. As the sun rose, I feel my phone buzzing. I answer the phone to her weeping and mourning. I did not know what was happening, so I was asking. She told me I should already know. I found out she was mad I hung out with my friends that night and was not on the phone with her. Being on the phone at that moment, half awake, I told her how I should balance my time between my friends and her. We tried to fix things. Out of nowhere, she interrogates me about why I was with other girls. I told her I wasn’t, but the past got to her and felt that I was cheating. We both felt it was best to move on in our lives because our relationship was becoming toxic. Distance and trust issues played a big role in our break up. I thought I was going to fight through it and move on right away. But that was a mistake… Realizing what I lost was painful. Everything that surrounded me reminded me of her. I walked around schooling trying my best to not to cause any attention towards myself. Hood on, music blasting through my head phones 24/7. Simping every night.
A week had gone by since the split. I felt it was best to delete everything, from messages, all the photos together and of her, and give all of her belongings back. As much as it hurts, it gave me relief to know I have more freedom and not that one person watching my every move every second. But a side of me misses that feeling of belonging and that feeling of being wanted by someone. It was hard for me to cope with. It just felt like I wasted 3 years of my life on something that didn’t last and became something that I never hoped would happen.
I have been alright for a month now. And then someone unexpectedly messaged me through snapchat. It was from her… I teared up a little. She told me she misses me and she was sorry. I couldn’t accept the apology because of the things I have seen on social media, how she moved on already. Knowing that, it made me feel like I was really nothing and she never cared. She changed, I changed. Nothing was how it used to be, all the innocence, laughter of inside jokes, and personality in general changed between each other. I didn’t feel it was right to accept the apology. I told her how I really felt and told her I would get back to her after school. I explained to her all the problems that were obvious and just laid it all out. In all honesty, all my feeling and love I used to have for her, was just gone. Nothing could be put back together, I was like a puzzle that was missing a piece. Impossible to be put back. As much as we tried, nothing worked. My mind was set on trying to move on and not get back together. I missed myself, I felt I was loving everyone and everything besides me. I would try to make everyone happy when myself wasn’t. I needed to regain that confidence.
Chapter 3: Home
After all that I have been through, it just feels like I am going through a book. As if I was passing chapter in my life. After that split I felt it was a chapter not to dwell and stay hooked on but to move on and to learn from mistakes and correct them for the future. My priorities were scrambled. I needed to find myself and ‘home.’ I feel like I lost everything because I was so stuck up on one person. I felt alone. I didn’t know who were my real friends, or my family. I had to catch up. I missed the one place I called home. It all feels different to me now, knowing a big part of my life passed through and is gone.
To me being home is where you love everyone and everything around you. You are comfortable to the point where making mistakes is okay. Being yourself is okay. I missed the feeling of my family’s love and care. Being focused on one person made family feel bigger than I already was. Being home is not just being in your room. It’s about the memories and great moments you have with your family. Spending time with my family was the biggest come back in my opinion. I would always stay home by myself because I didn’t want to hang out with the ones I truly love and know they will be there forever.
A great memory of being home was finding out my sister was pregnant. It was an amazing time doing everything with her and my siblings. This was the time when Pokemon Go was trending around the world. My sister wanted to stay active so we would travel around the Bay Area and just walk around the city. We would walk for miles and hours everyday. Moments like this make me feel at home.
I remember my sister would dance at night and we would always make fun of her for how big her stomach was. We would do everything for the baby to come faster. I told myself I loved home and I would never forget this time and place. Now that her baby is born and being there when she grows up is an amazing experience. From month one to now, ten months. All the time I see other babies grow up but I never realized how they just catch on and learn things.
I am thankful for my family for bringing me back to ‘home.’ Allowing me to forget about the past and move on. Easter Day came and it was one of our biggest family gatherings we had. All the little kids running up and down the halls, the teens just chilling, the adults being loud. I just loved the company and it was great moment to catch up with all my family. It was a great day because the Warriors were playing and we got the win. That day, each family had to chose a color to represent them. Of course my dad chose blue for our family. Since we were the hosts, we tried to keep the colors Spring shades. I now live for these moments. I don’t dwell on my past.
You can never forget or block out the place where you call home. Although it will always be there, don’t ever change your priorities and put anything before family and the ones you love. Being home may be having that home cooked meal, or sleeping in your bed all day, or watching t.v. and movies with your family. But for me being in company with family and friends who will have never ending love is what I call ‘home.’ But finding more and more everyday, makes me feel good about myself. I have a good feeling I know where my home is but finding out more is an addition to that assurance.